Well. I can’t believe this has become my year. Quite frankly, I don’t even want to write about it, but I’ve maintained this site every 6 months or so and it’s become tradition to discuss how my years went. On that note, fuck 2020. This is all I’ve got.
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This year doesn’t even feel real. Absolutely nothing about it feels like it actually happened. Part of me believes I’ll wake up tomorrow and it’ll either be January 1, 2020, or December 32nd, 2020. I have no concept of time either. I feel like I’m still in June, but I also feel like it’s already February 2021. I’m sure this makes sense to you, and if you’re a writer like me, trying to sit down and just write about this year is a headache in itself. I guess the only way for me to break this down is to talk about my resolutions that I set for myself and we’ll go from there. Really not working with much here.
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Resolutions:
Stop vaping:
Well, I did that for about 8 days and then slowly picked it back up, but this year I mean it (!!).
Stop biting nails:
Ya’ll think I should just give up on this one? I mean, it’s been a resolution of mine for at least 5 years now and it’s been something I’ve done for the last 16 years. Stay tuned, haven’t decided yet.
Learn to cook:
Ya know, when I was thriving over the summer, I was making meals for myself almost every day. I’m going to make this my summer resolution.
Get anxiety help:
I did it. This is truly the greatest thing to happen in my year. After years of growing up in a home that ignored mental health, I finally took one step forward to start going to therapy. It’s been 12 long months of trial and error, but I’m so thankful I took the action to start feeling better. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to feel at peace. I deserve a calm mind, and I did it. I’m still working towards the place that I want to be, but this THIS is something I’m genuinely proud of.
Travel more:
Yeeaw, partner, we did this too. Not only have I been to Seattle and all across Oregon this year, I also went on a 14 state road trip with my dad this summer! 5 of those states being brand-spankin’ new! I hope in 2021 that I can continue to travel and experience life in new places hehe
Find joy in what you love:
This year, I started playing more music. I practiced more with guitar, was gifted a bass, and recently bought an electric drum kit. Music mixed with traveling a lot this year has been something I am very grateful for. Also, I feel like I’ve finally found my group up in Portland: Grace, Jon, and Caleb especially, I love you all. Thank you for contributing to my joy.
Bible in a year:
It’s been a no from me.
Work out more:
Should I take this one off the list too? Not much has been done here.
Drink more water:
I think I should get my kidneys tested, or just drink some fucking water.
Love better:
Battling mental health, you feel like you’re not loving people the best that you can, and most times, your feelings with that are valid. Feeling like something that you cannot control is belittling you from reaching your highest potential is an inescapable feeling that sucks more than any other. This year, I’ve redefined what loving someone actually means and what it means to love strangers as well. I’ve experienced heartbreak, I’ve been let down, I’ve been selfish, I’ve been used, and I’ve had to redefine this for myself else I’d be driving myself mad every day. I am thankful, though, for those that have reciprocated love to me this year — both those still in and those out of my life. I think this should just be a life long goal of mine. NEXT!
Find a new hobby:
Dang. I tried raising a dog this summer. I started working at Dutch. I started practicing the drums about three days ago. I think I failed this one too. That, or I’m just less passionate about a lot of things.
Read one book a month:
I couldn’t even read my textbooks this year, so I’m not sure how I’ll read a book. I’ve started this new trend of just leaving a book on my nightstand and not touching it for several months before I swap it out with a new one. I’ll count it.
Start journaling:
What’s funny is that I DID do this for about two weeks out of the months of September and October until I got too lazy to continue. I don’t think I’m much for journaling, but I think I’m starting to dig writing prompt journals. If anyone would like to Venmo me $8, I’d like to buy a book called “Burn After Writing.” Or if 8 people read this and send me $1, I could probably cover shipping. We’ll see where I am with this one by the end of next year.
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Well, those were it. If you’d like to see my resolutions over the years, they are somewhere across this site. I’ll be posting again at the end of January to discuss my resolutions for this upcoming year. Anyway, here’s to 2020. 2020, you’ve been an absolute rat to everyone on this planet, but I can still see aspects of joy in you. For me, they include: taking Hannah to the beach, meeting some incredible people, working at Dutch, finishing Winter term with a 4.0, traveling, going on a road trip with my dad, meeting my friends, meeting and loving Caleb every day, moving into a house, petting dogs, eating new food, and continuing to wake up and move each day. You’ve been dog shit! But I thank you for the growth you’ve forced me to do. If you see 2021 before I do, tell them to be kind to us. We’re all a little rough on the edges after what you’ve put us through. We just ask for some kindness.
(Also, I’m more than aware that time is a concept that keeps moving forward and there is no inherent absolute behind a new year and that 2021 will probably be like 2020 as in the problems we’ve had don’t just stop at midnight, but I like to still believe. Just like I do in Santa).
(Also, for every ‘h’ or ‘.’ you seen in this post, know that neither of the keys work when I want them to, and it’s been frustrating trying to make the sentence end while also not breaking the key itself..).
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And to whoever is still around for the end of this, cheers to you. You made it. And I am so proud of you.
Much love, always,
Melanie Rose
12/31/2020 2141h
Doomsday // MF Doom
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