A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog called ‘Cherish the Change’ and its entire theme was about loving people in all circumstances because you never know when you’ll never see them again. Since I started working at UCYC, I’ve noticed this theme happen a lot, but instead of people leaving, they’ve come back instead. This hasn’t been the case for everyone though.
Yesterday, a very traumatic event occurred in my life. It seems like I, as well as many others, haven’t been the same since. I haven’t eaten, slept or conversed with anyone and it’s one of those events that no one teaches you how to prepare for. People can tell you how to deal with heartbreak or loss of a friendship, but they never tell you how to live with the loss of a friend entirely. Not to mention, not many people lose their friends the way we lost ours.
Despite my growing pain and heartache, I am so thankful that I am surrounded by such a strong support system. Although we are hurting, we are here for each other. People I haven’t spoken to in months are checking in on me as well as I am with them. My leaders and friends at UCYC are constantly texting me or making sure I know I’m not alone here (although I feel very alone). I can’t really see the joy in a day besides what these people have given me in the last 25 hours.
I called my mom today and just let it out to her:
“Mom, I DON’T know what to do. I DON’T know how to manage this. No one tells you how to deal with this. I haven’t been the regular me since yesterday morning. It comes in waves, the tears I mean. One moment I’m fine, the next I can’t stop my sobs. Mommy, what do I do?”
Along with many tears and “I don’t know’s,” this was the gist of our conversation.
I can always rely on my mom to give it to me straight:
“There’s nothing you can do. Their pain has ended, yours has just begun. You are grieving. It seems unreal because you are in shock and you’re in denial. I’ve been there, Sweet Pea when I lost Mark.”
But then my mom continued:
“This is just a reminder for how quickly life can change. One moment someone is in your life, the next moment they aren’t. This should remind you to never leave a conversation on a bad note, to never be mean to people, but to always be kind and caring and loving towards everyone. You need to see the love in this. You will be okay. You are grieving, but soon you won’t be anymore. You need to rely on your friends right now to hold you up because you can’t stand up alone in this. I promise you, this will end. You will feel like yourself again and you, as well as everyone else, will come out stronger. You will love more. You will see every ordinary day as an extraordinary day.”
In this process of grieving deeply, I remind myself of the faith that I do have in God. He is my foundation and He is who I rest in. My faith hasn’t ceased at all, if anything it’s become stronger because yesterday, as I was crying in my friend’s bed, I was scrolling through options in my head of what could POSSIBLY make me feel better and not to my surprise, nothing seems satisfying. Not people, food, sleep, going out, staying in or anything else. The only One who can fill this new void of emptiness in my heart is Jesus. So this encourages me to be strong in this. It encourages me to be hopeful and not hopeless. It encourages me to spread more love than I thought imaginable. It encourages me to give and give and give to everyone. I don’t feel enriched at all in this time. I feel empty and sad and numb, but I know that I have to push on in love and reflect the love of Christ to everyone. For everyone. For Carson.
This blog has been a lot of me pouring my heart out to the extent that I can give at this time. I’m learning it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to smile and laugh with a group of people, but it’s also okay to be alone and cry as well. I am not okay, but eventually all will be.
Thank you, as always, for reading my nothingness. Tell someone that you love them today. Tell them everyday. Never stop.
Melanie Rose 6/14/18 13:53
Honey, It’s Alright // Gregory Alan Isakov
Rest in peace, Carson. 7/10/2000 – 6/12/2018