Today was my last, full, real day of high school and I didn’t show up. Of course, I’ve felt like I’ve been dying all week and I physically could not go to school today, but all that to say, if not showing up to my last, full, real day of high school doesn’t accurately describe my mood on this school year (and high school in general), I’m not sure anything else will.
I’ve been addicted to the word ‘change’ this year. Not that I’m addicted to change, but it’s the only word I know how to use to really make sense of what I’ve been going through. I haven’t been going through anything catastrophic, but my mind is focused on the future, while I’m stuck in the reality of having one more week of school. Like ever. (Besides college, but you know what I mean).
I’ve brought it up before that I think all the time, and probably way too much. I think about deeper, more philosophical things and that has made me interested in learning more (outside of school) (I’m going to use a lot of parenthesis). I think about how the world works, how people of all languages unite, what my cat thinks about, how others view the world, death, life, the future and the present. I think of many more too, but that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.
One thing that I’ve really been thinking about is how people have been in and out of my life for my whole life. People, such as my pre-school teacher, saw me as just another little body to teach the alphabet to. Meanwhile, my memories from that stage of my life can be recalled by reading butterfly books, eating fruit cups and riding red tricycles on the playground. Other students may remember nap time or the rug with numbers on it. All to say, the teacher was just teaching us.
Up into elementary school (all 3 that I went to), I remember my teachers: Mrs. Miller, Mrs. Shumaker, Mrs. Lee, Mrs. Millikan, Mrs. Berry and Mrs. Steenstra. All women who were just doing their jobs, while I was creating memories like raising butterflies in class, eating PB&J from the cafeteria, playing football on the field and taking excessive amounts of bathroom trips to get out of class. I was an excelling student, don’t get me wrong, but any excuse not to be in class was an excuse to be taken. All these women, similar to my preschool teacher are not in my life anymore.
Same thing happened in junior high with both teachers and friends. There are some friends that I occasionally talk to, but for the most part they are no longer active members of my life.
Leading into high school, I had one best friend who everyone (I mean my family) thought we would be best friends forever. We did everything together. We spent Christmases, dinners, weekends, weekdays, school projects, lunches and everything in between together. Spoiler alert: we don’t talk anymore. This same thing has happened with many people in my graduating class since freshman year with only one friend really being there since the beginning of high school. AND ALL OF THIS IS OKAY!
Over the last 12 years of my education, people have come into my life both young and old for a set amount of time and over that time, we became distant. It even extends beyond teachers and classmates! Family, childhood friends, babysitters, family friends, boyfriends, strangers, etc. Almost everyone that I have met has come, stayed and left. Their life continued. My life continued, but they didn’t continue together.
And guess what? It’s okay.
Because I’m moving to Portland in a few months, I’m learning that the friendships I have right now may not move up there with me. I can list friends that I have right now that I’m truly enjoying my time with. Whether it be by rekindling after a long break, meeting in a bathroom, going to UCYC or just meeting through friends, I know I have a solid foundation of people in my life that love me dearly and care for me. And I am so thankful.
I am cherishing these people. Few times, actually, I’ve really stopped to make sure I was genuinely cherishing our moments because time will continue and life will go on and if blessings are not appreciated, they will fade faster.
It fascinates me how people, especially during senior year, have faded and resurfaced as they much as they have. Whether they are staying permanently this time, I do not know, but even more the reason to cherish the change.
I think God has given me the gift to love people. Always. It’s very easy for me to strike conversation with just about everyone and start a relationship there. This has allowed me to share my faith as well as love so easily and it’s one of the greatest blessings I’ve received. As I look into my future, I don’t know what career path I’m going to take. I wish there was one that you could just get paid to love people. I’d do it. But I just want to live a life that’s glorifying to God and also allows me to love his people.
Last weekend I drove to Flagstaff with my new friend, Kellan. Kellan is a future summer staffer like I am and he has a heart that reflects Christ so beautifully that I look up to him. Even though he’s younger than me. We pulled over on the side of the 17 and hiked up a mountain. The hike was a disaster in the sense that I was in my berks, I suck at hiking and the angle of the mountain was a solid 80º. Kellan told me he was going to read me a bible passage once we were up there, but we both forgot. On our hike down, he pulled out his phone, stopped me on my crab walk down and read Matthew 6:25-34. A section of Jesus’ preaching where he talks about not worrying. The birds of the air are fed, sheltered and alive. Even the prettiest of the flowers which are here one day and gone the next are clothed in beauty. With all these beautiful blessings God pours into creation that aren’t even made in his image, why would he not dress me so beautifully or provide for my life more than he has for the birds? This passage is a reminder to me daily not to worry (which is something else I’m really good at). So in this bit of my life where I’m constantly thinking about the future and stressed as heck on whether I’m going to pass math with a B or not, God has such a tight grasp on my life because he is the one who intricately designed it. Though I don’t understand it, I fully give my life to it.
All this to say. I’m very aware of life’s changing ideas as far as which people stay and which people fade. Through it all, I love people. I love their stories and noticing little detail about them. Which ways their eyes point, the size of their hands compared to mine, their accents, their habits, their clothes, their smiles, everything. The constant unawareness I have in my life is both beautiful and frightening, but it allows me to love better, and for that, I think it’s all worth it.
Do not worry. Do not fear. Love always. Cherish the change.
Thank you, as always, for reading my nothingness. It’s truly been just me typing like crazy trying to make sense of what I think. Kellan said I do a great job of it, better than what I give myself credit for, but I still think I’m doing a poor job. Hopefully not too poor to where no one can understand it. I hope you did.
Melanie Rose 5/11/18 15:39
Past Lives // BØRNS